"Are you having an easy pregnancy?" and other Awkward Questions

Before this pregnancy, I really didn't understand.

A friend would be expecting, and I would want to make polite conversation about the exciting time in her life, so I would ask things like "how are you feeling?", and "when are you due?".  I had no idea that these questions (and others like them) were just as bad as asking a recent graduate what they wanted to do with their life, and that the recipient of such a question would either want to burst into tears, or punch the asker in the face out of frustration, exhaustion, and stress.

**please note: answering honestly about pregnancy when you've experienced infertility is particularly difficult because of the guilt, fear, and shame.  In a lot of ways, you feel guilty that your prayers for a pregnancy were answered when so many others are still waiting.  You feel guilty and afraid when you catch yourself complaining about morning sickness (or any other unpleasant symptom) because you don't want to seem ungrateful for the gift you prayed so long for.  You feel shame when you know you really aren't enjoying being pregnant right now because your body isn't your own anymore.  (After all, isn't this what you wanted?  Why wouldn't you be cheerful and thrilled about it all the time?  How dare you complain when you know how many others would do anything to be in your shoes.)**

I am writing this post for everyone who, like I did, has good intentions and is genuinely curious but is probably just adding to the stress of {insert major life event here}.  Since I'm at the pregnancy major life event, I'll focus on that.

Q: "Are you having an easy pregnancy?"
A: While there are some women who are blessed to have very little pregnancy symptoms the entire 9 months (and thus able to really love being pregnant), that's not usually the case.  Confession time: when someone asks me this question, I lie.  I smile, nod, and say something like "for the most part; we're very blessed".  I lie because no one actually wants to hear the real answer.

"No, I'm not.  Let me tell you about al the crazy, frightening things that have happened to me during this pregnancy.  Should I start with the miscarriage scare, or the injections?"

I am here to tell you that pregnancy is hard.  This amazing journey of bringing another person into the world is hands down the most demanding (both physically and emotionally), self-sacrificing, exhausting, and rewarding thing I have ever done.  Ever.  For me, and most other women I have talked to (with a few exceptions of course), there is no such thing as an easy pregnancy.  Pregnancy is this crazy difficult thing that is done out of love.  Totally selfless, die-to-myself-daily, turn-my-life-up-side-down love for this little person we've never met.

Q: "How are you feeling?"
A: This is similar to the easy pregnancy question.  The honest answer is usually a laundry list of unpleasant and rather personal symptoms that most women don't want to share, and most people wouldn't want to know.  So again, I smile, nod, and say "pretty good".

Q: "When are you due?"
A: When I first started getting this question, I was excited because that meant I was showing enough for people to know I was pregnant and not just over-eating.

Now, this question makes me want to cry.  Why?  Because when you get close to your due date all you want is to meet that baby, and to have your body back, and being asked when that's going to happen is just a reminder that you're still pregnant and uncomfortable.

It's kind of like asking someone who has been running a marathon for days when they're going to get to the finish line while you ride beside them in a limo eating great food.  This question is probably safe to ask in mid-pregnancy, but I wouldn't ask a woman who looks like she may go into labor any minute when her baby is due.  Unless you're prepared for an emotionally, hormonally loaded answer.

A note about due dates:
Due date is a terrible name.  A lot of mid-wives will actually call them guess-dates, because that's really what they are.  Your due date is an estimate, and also the day you will be 40 weeks pregnant.  A normal pregnancy is anywhere from 38-42 weeks, and any baby that comes in that window is on time and full term.  Generally, first babies are "late" and arrive slightly after the 40 week mark.  This is totally normal, and by most medical professionals, expected.

Pregnant women don't actually have a 6th sense that allows them to answer your question with any more accuracy than the doctors, so asking when the baby is supposed to arrive may be dangerous.  Especially if the answer turns out to be "last week".

Q: "Have you had that baby yet?"
A:  http://haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com 

God bless the woman (or man) who put that together.

When the baby arrives, you'll know.  Remember all the other hospital picture birth announcements you've seen on Facebook only hours after the birth of a new baby?  Good.

In closing, let me say that although this is a long road, I wouldn't change it! I love this baby more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything in the entire world, and I can't wait to hold him in my arms.  Because of him, I am reminded of God's goodness and blessings every day.  He is a miracle, and we are beyond humbled and grateful that God has chosen us to be his parents!  My hope with this post is to help others be mindful when they ask questions.  Remember you are asking about a very personal, intimate journey in a person's life.  Rest assured that you will hear about the details they would like to share with everyone!